Fight!

When i hear the words, " you can fight this"! I am more confused. Can someone tell me How?

When there is no treatment, how do I feel positive and empowered to Fight?

I found a fbook today which might help me.

I can talk to my blood

I can eat better than i akways have

Excercise more or less

Sleep more

Do less.

Really need to ask ny Dr. how to Fight something that is auto immune /

Is that ne killing me? 

So complex.

Haiku

Kicking and screaming

Into the CT scam 'tomb'

A scared little girl

Kicking and screcming

Inside this 65 yr old is a small scared child who doesn't wsnt to go to the drfor aCTscan, or. PT zcan or sngmore drs vidits.

Why wasn't I asked to participate?

Pouting

Beastly

I was n

Mean today to Dan, snapped at lunch and too full of fear and stress to be normal.

Pressure, i can't take it anymire.

Stress,  i am a bottled up mess

Tired tired

Home! Tuesday at the eye dr went faitly easily. But dilated eyes until nightine and nothing ti eat in the house.

Wednesday was a Push to teach yoga and i made it through.

Obligated to see a client slrhough I needed the day off. Went to yoga, a level one. Snd ttied to find a soace to relax snd space. It was hard! Snd s long , i hr bus ridd hone.

Waking ip with muscle pain today for overdoing it yesterday. Weary snd under pressure today with two clients snd a 'party' tonight.

Not happy!

And I need to csll Atom bsck snd get his checks out written.

Reflection

Intuitively, ibelieve i have been in remission for years.

Sweet Message

And a beautiful birthday to you as well, Suzy!  This year I turned 50--and my gift to myself is to learn how to play the cello!  Oh boy, still a lot of sqeeks and squawks (why are my hands so small?), but there was a beauty I always heard in the cello that I wanted for myself, so here I go!  

I hope you are having a lovely time in Hawaii, and that you know in your bones how incredibly loved you are.

Blessed Be to you, Suzy, as we take another walk around the sun.  xoxoxoxoxo

Sleeping well or Not

Last night I awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. Fear lives in shadows, and breathing trains my mind and heals the world.

Waking in the Night

My fears try to swallow me

Breathing in God's love.

Night finds me fearful

I breathe in Love, exhale peace

Night's shadows hold fear.

One Week

I'e struggled with what I should be doing.

Change my diet?

Paint?

Meditate on marrow?

Today I prayed to God to heal me.

Three things

I am so thankful for

1. Dr LaGrande's phone call today, in response to my MyChart messsge.

2. Dr. Kilibaba's scheduler Michelle. She changed my appts. For the PET and CAT scans on Halliween, and a folluwup with Dr KK on the 4 th of November.

3, Sue said my fears about my fractured arm leaking cancer cells was unfounded. "that's not how it works!"

Good night All:)

It' a relief

I am so Grateful for the shift from the grief and shame I felt earlier in the week. I am loved and supported and just need to move ahead one day at a time.

My nurse friend said:

Take care of yourself,

Diet, breathing, exercise and meditation

Avoid stress

Avoid crowds

Don't overdue it!

She congratulated me on my healthy life style and awareness. It's my job to take it easy. I need to stop striving, on general principle. I did too much today!

But the lunch date with Barbara Hamilton was really enjoyable.

Lifted Up Indeed

A New Day and Attitude

Praise God!

Yesterday was full of such incredible Love. I fell Literally Lufted Up, thanks to my pastor Michelle Manicke.

My husband's enormous Love and diamond earrings.

My BFF Frances, who insisted we talk, though I 'couldn't'.

The Feel of God'd Love in my skin aka Sunshine.

An answer to prayers, no hurricane to hurt the Hawaiian Islands.

My yoga Teacher, Emily who held my hands as I kissed them. She said We are z Loving community, we will hold you and Pray for you!"

Blessed and Blessed and Blessed forever Amen

Damn

I don't want to be teary. I must feel this so the emotions will move through.

" Move Along Now!"

Teaching Authenticity

I spoke my Truth with only a glint of a tear. We practice discomfort for when the real discomfort of life comes along, we can Breathe it.

And as I explained to my yogis and yogi is, " the idea is to turn nothing out of your Heart"!

This was today's poem, which I keenly felt;)

Let It Go by Danna Faulds

“Let go of the ways you thought life would unfold:

the holding of plans or dreams or expectations – Let it all go.

Save your strength to swim with the tide.

The choice to fight what is here before you now will

only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts

to flee from the very energy you long for. Let go.

Let it all go and flow with the grace that washes

through your days whether you received it gently

or with all your quills raised to defend against invaders.

Take this on faith; the mind may never find the

explanations that it seeks, but you will move forward

nonetheless. Let go, and the wave’s crest will carry

you to unknown shores, beyond your wildest dreams

or destinations. Let it all go and find the place of

rest and peace, and certain transformation.”

Pena Chodron

October 15, 2014

STAY PRESENT, WITHOUT SECURITY

Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace—disappointment in all its many forms—and let it open me?” This is the trick.

First Day, First Night

Now morning. I awaken as usual, the window is open a few inches and the soft leaves rustle. I am lost on the sound and whistle of it until my first thought arises,

Leukemia.

My heart is much lighter today.

Eyes puffy, from my day of reckoning, the grief bubbled up , with the fear. I never gave myself to it completely; the bawling.

Mostly I breathed it and felt it touch my skin; getting used to the feeling of these scratchy new words I'll wear like a taffeta ball gown.

And put on a 'Happy Face' (I should say an authentic face) because I am the same woman as I was on monday.

Praise Be to God.

And go teach yoga.

I am Loved

Feeling Held by many dear friends. Their Live is Palpable. I am glad I sm home Alone so Ican choose how to live.

Today is a turning point.

The Diagnosis

Dr. Kolibaba said, "We've found something!"
and an hour later and three tissues we walked to the lab. Blood was drawn and they offered to schedule a PET and CAT scan for me. Why not?
Dan and I drove home as if life would just continue. Well, yes it will and no, it will never be the same.
After a delicious bowl of chili, I made a list of folks to call with the news. Dan called my Dad. I felt like somehow I had let him down.

Besides walking Pilgrim, I made Anytime Crunch Granola for Barbara and some for me. Cooking makes me happy.

Now I want a bath and some quiet, more journaling and a long cuddle with My dog.





http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chronic-lymphocytic-leukemia/basics/definition/con-20031195