Spacious

Some days I forget sbout Leukemia. I am happy to rise and sit, enjoy coffee and meditation with Polgrim.

This have definitely shifted. Its s letting go and being present to what arises. S walk. A Joy. An ease. A chore. A yoga or seasonal music.

Happy for bed too.

Just happy to be Here ( be here now) kind of ancient wisdom, haha.

Still sick

Not seriously, just low grade tired and facial congestion. Too tired to eat is not like me.

Been very thirsty these last four days! Parched! Maybe having a fire in the fireplace accounts for some.

Acupuncture

So happy to bigin today! I stayed an hour and Pilgrimwas awesome. Going weekly.

Meditation

This is where my heart is

This is where i am finding peace

I am pulling in for December

Yoga

Accupuncture

Meditation

I am quute tired

Weary of noise

Activity and culture.

Except music

Not sure about church, it's germy.

Dr Bricca

Working through this Hopeful to hope fading when he did not call at the end of the week.

Then we connected and we tslked a while. I was encouraged. He's a good person. 

But too much money for such a dmsll request. $250. An hour gets me 4-5 of nedical recordscreviewed. I am healthy! And would like a bit of botanical support.

I cancelled a physicsl sppt xnd a skype. If my ca were more, maybe.

Snyway i wanted a layer of support not another Dr. I have z PCP and an oncologist. I messsged dr legrsnde and dr kolibaba on howvto 'do something' rather thsn nothing until we meet sgain.

Laura Schissell is going to irder Bone Marrow support for me.

2 i have asked Barbara Hamilton to be my scupuncture buddy. Either way yes or no Dan will get me there weekly.

I sm connected intuitively to shat I need and motivated to move ahead. 

Sll Love

Still feeling conflicted

One word. Cancer

How a word can change everything.

Hopeful to hopeless

Happy to sad

Motivated to lstless

Caring to.uncaring

Alone to loner.

Wantnoth

Ng to do with lufe today, just to sleep

Last two Chapters

My meditation is something I look firward to each morning and night. I feel connected and easily drop into Stillness.

Imer with KK on Tuesday and wrote letters to 4 people, 2 dead, that i needed to let gi of long ago betraysls.

The two living people eill not my receive my apology for their oart in breaking my hearr.

But the eirkbof releasing sorrow frlt goid!

Today Zi finished my book Radical Remission and I guess i am working though it emotionally. I sm sad.

The Chapter is about not wanting ti die and more to the point Wanting ti Zlive, passionately for dome Reason.

I feel lukewarm about this.

I am often lonely, at least the last few days of bad weather and home bound..

Ice and winds, trees falling precludes going for ling walks.

Tomorrow night I will get out.

Now Zi will sleep as I pknder this chspter.

Social Support

The goal is not to feel alone!

To sccept gelp

Care you your friends bynurturing connections.

Chapter four Supplements

I am leaving this to Dr Bricca-

Well i did buy Frankinsence and will learn how to use it.

Dena Payton suggested cannabis oil. Not sure, i will wait for Dr Mark's phone call:)

5/Releasing emotional baggage

I've scheduled an appointnent with Kathryn for next week. She sent me this reply-

"And how perfectly this fits with Gold Gate! Can you work on making a list of people and events that you feel you are still holding on to? What needs to be released to be healed?"

I pulled eleven cards from my 100+ spul collage cards to work with. Two men and mostly my regrets.

Intuitive Leads from chapter three

Fast one day a week

Eat mostly raw

Filter water

Frankincence essential oil

Meditation 2-20 min a day

Mark Bricca naturapathic oncologist

   Micro nutients

Work with releasing trauma/ hurts

2 miles a day power breathing

"Great News"

Petrified, we were called into room 10.

The Dr entered and exclaimed, " I have great news!" Both scans came back clean, no cancer anywhere else. . . . 

9% of the bone marrow has these sick cells. Poor things.

Once home Dan admitted he'd been loosing sleep.

I called my Dad who was relieved.

Margaret asked what cganges I would make and I wasn't prepared to answer.

Kidneys

2nd Chakra The Sanskrit name for the 2nd chakra is "Svadhisthana." This word means "dwelling place of the Self." The 2nd chakra is located in the lower abdomen, about an inch below the navel. The 2nd chakra is associated with creativity and procreation. It also governs emotional and sensual aspects of our lives. The emotion associated with the 2nd chakra is passion. If you grew up in an environment where emotions were repressed or denied, this chakra may be deficient. Some signs of deficiency are fear of pleasure, being out of touch with one's feelings and resistance to change. Signs of an excessive 2nd chakra may be overly emotional behavior, sexual addiction or poor boundaries. Excessiveness can be caused by living in an environment where there is a constant need for pleasurable stimulation, such as entertaining or partying. Frequent emotional drama can cause excessiveness also. The organs/glands/parts of the body associated with this chakra are: Reproductive organs All liquids in the body - the circulation of blood, urine, menstruation, tears Hips, sacrum, low back Kidneys The element for the 2nd chakra is water, thus the association with the liquids of the body. Water flows, moves and changes. A balanced 2nd chakra allows us to do that also. The color for the 2nd chakra is orange. Orange is a very stimulating color because of its vibrational energy. The sense for the 2nd chakra is taste, especially a sweet taste. The foods for the 2nd chakra are orange foods, sweet foods and liquids. In yoga, backward and forward bends and squatting strengthen the 2nd chakra.

Copyright © 2003-2004 NothingButYoga.com

Hummingbirds

I had three instances of Hummingbird 'dpeak' today. One I heard

!

Hummingbird  is a sign if Arenewal, promises restored health!

Chapter Three Intuition

Getting still

Meditation

Yoga

And staying Present will allow my Intuition to sing.

I worked with my cards to ask

What contributed to my Illness?

What does my Body Mind Spirit need to heal?

Other than Hawaii?

PET scan

They at Providence were wonderful.

Burt snd the receptionist person grand!

I was prepared to be Gracious.

I prayed the 23rd Psalm for the dntire scan time and it kept ne centered.

Now coffee at 5 pm, tomorrow the consult with Dr Kolibaba.

Chapter Two

🎻Take an active role in your Healing

*Filter Water

Eliminate Sugar

Fast

*Breathe outdoor  Air

Physical ( i jumped the gun! Look up)

*Buy Frankincense by DoTerra

Tucson if not Hawaii

 

Mental

Be accountable to someone

Take Control of my Health

Emotional

Love My Whole self

Apologize to body fir stressors

Spiritual

Sing!need more music in my ears 

*A playlist

From Mary

You are in my thoughts today ,Susan.Have you in my prayers to St.Peregrine.(mighty wonderful saint).Hoping you get good results from your tests.Wishing you a good weekend.Love always seeing your posts.Good weekend to you  and Dan.Give Pilgrim a kiss from me.

Chapter One Intention

Use filtered water

Eat mire Fruit, Grains and less Cheese

Be Positive

Fight!

When i hear the words, " you can fight this"! I am more confused. Can someone tell me How?

When there is no treatment, how do I feel positive and empowered to Fight?

I found a fbook today which might help me.

I can talk to my blood

I can eat better than i akways have

Excercise more or less

Sleep more

Do less.

Really need to ask ny Dr. how to Fight something that is auto immune /

Is that ne killing me? 

So complex.

Haiku

Kicking and screaming

Into the CT scam 'tomb'

A scared little girl

Kicking and screcming

Inside this 65 yr old is a small scared child who doesn't wsnt to go to the drfor aCTscan, or. PT zcan or sngmore drs vidits.

Why wasn't I asked to participate?

Pouting

Beastly

I was n

Mean today to Dan, snapped at lunch and too full of fear and stress to be normal.

Pressure, i can't take it anymire.

Stress,  i am a bottled up mess

Tired tired

Home! Tuesday at the eye dr went faitly easily. But dilated eyes until nightine and nothing ti eat in the house.

Wednesday was a Push to teach yoga and i made it through.

Obligated to see a client slrhough I needed the day off. Went to yoga, a level one. Snd ttied to find a soace to relax snd space. It was hard! Snd s long , i hr bus ridd hone.

Waking ip with muscle pain today for overdoing it yesterday. Weary snd under pressure today with two clients snd a 'party' tonight.

Not happy!

And I need to csll Atom bsck snd get his checks out written.

Reflection

Intuitively, ibelieve i have been in remission for years.

Sweet Message

And a beautiful birthday to you as well, Suzy!  This year I turned 50--and my gift to myself is to learn how to play the cello!  Oh boy, still a lot of sqeeks and squawks (why are my hands so small?), but there was a beauty I always heard in the cello that I wanted for myself, so here I go!  

I hope you are having a lovely time in Hawaii, and that you know in your bones how incredibly loved you are.

Blessed Be to you, Suzy, as we take another walk around the sun.  xoxoxoxoxo

Sleeping well or Not

Last night I awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. Fear lives in shadows, and breathing trains my mind and heals the world.

Waking in the Night

My fears try to swallow me

Breathing in God's love.

Night finds me fearful

I breathe in Love, exhale peace

Night's shadows hold fear.

One Week

I'e struggled with what I should be doing.

Change my diet?

Paint?

Meditate on marrow?

Today I prayed to God to heal me.

Three things

I am so thankful for

1. Dr LaGrande's phone call today, in response to my MyChart messsge.

2. Dr. Kilibaba's scheduler Michelle. She changed my appts. For the PET and CAT scans on Halliween, and a folluwup with Dr KK on the 4 th of November.

3, Sue said my fears about my fractured arm leaking cancer cells was unfounded. "that's not how it works!"

Good night All:)

It' a relief

I am so Grateful for the shift from the grief and shame I felt earlier in the week. I am loved and supported and just need to move ahead one day at a time.

My nurse friend said:

Take care of yourself,

Diet, breathing, exercise and meditation

Avoid stress

Avoid crowds

Don't overdue it!

She congratulated me on my healthy life style and awareness. It's my job to take it easy. I need to stop striving, on general principle. I did too much today!

But the lunch date with Barbara Hamilton was really enjoyable.

Lifted Up Indeed

A New Day and Attitude

Praise God!

Yesterday was full of such incredible Love. I fell Literally Lufted Up, thanks to my pastor Michelle Manicke.

My husband's enormous Love and diamond earrings.

My BFF Frances, who insisted we talk, though I 'couldn't'.

The Feel of God'd Love in my skin aka Sunshine.

An answer to prayers, no hurricane to hurt the Hawaiian Islands.

My yoga Teacher, Emily who held my hands as I kissed them. She said We are z Loving community, we will hold you and Pray for you!"

Blessed and Blessed and Blessed forever Amen

Damn

I don't want to be teary. I must feel this so the emotions will move through.

" Move Along Now!"

Teaching Authenticity

I spoke my Truth with only a glint of a tear. We practice discomfort for when the real discomfort of life comes along, we can Breathe it.

And as I explained to my yogis and yogi is, " the idea is to turn nothing out of your Heart"!

This was today's poem, which I keenly felt;)

Let It Go by Danna Faulds

“Let go of the ways you thought life would unfold:

the holding of plans or dreams or expectations – Let it all go.

Save your strength to swim with the tide.

The choice to fight what is here before you now will

only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts

to flee from the very energy you long for. Let go.

Let it all go and flow with the grace that washes

through your days whether you received it gently

or with all your quills raised to defend against invaders.

Take this on faith; the mind may never find the

explanations that it seeks, but you will move forward

nonetheless. Let go, and the wave’s crest will carry

you to unknown shores, beyond your wildest dreams

or destinations. Let it all go and find the place of

rest and peace, and certain transformation.”

Pena Chodron

October 15, 2014

STAY PRESENT, WITHOUT SECURITY

Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace—disappointment in all its many forms—and let it open me?” This is the trick.

First Day, First Night

Now morning. I awaken as usual, the window is open a few inches and the soft leaves rustle. I am lost on the sound and whistle of it until my first thought arises,

Leukemia.

My heart is much lighter today.

Eyes puffy, from my day of reckoning, the grief bubbled up , with the fear. I never gave myself to it completely; the bawling.

Mostly I breathed it and felt it touch my skin; getting used to the feeling of these scratchy new words I'll wear like a taffeta ball gown.

And put on a 'Happy Face' (I should say an authentic face) because I am the same woman as I was on monday.

Praise Be to God.

And go teach yoga.

I am Loved

Feeling Held by many dear friends. Their Live is Palpable. I am glad I sm home Alone so Ican choose how to live.

Today is a turning point.

The Diagnosis

Dr. Kolibaba said, "We've found something!"
and an hour later and three tissues we walked to the lab. Blood was drawn and they offered to schedule a PET and CAT scan for me. Why not?
Dan and I drove home as if life would just continue. Well, yes it will and no, it will never be the same.
After a delicious bowl of chili, I made a list of folks to call with the news. Dan called my Dad. I felt like somehow I had let him down.

Besides walking Pilgrim, I made Anytime Crunch Granola for Barbara and some for me. Cooking makes me happy.

Now I want a bath and some quiet, more journaling and a long cuddle with My dog.





http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chronic-lymphocytic-leukemia/basics/definition/con-20031195